Granted

There are quite a large number of things in the world that we take for granted. A lot of them are rather important. One of the most prominent examples of this would have to be Life. Life is something rather important for the continuation of Existence, (for if there was nothing living to witness Existence, Existence would therefore become superfluous). Unfortunately, Life is often taken for granted. We are gifted with something as impossible as Life, and we spend It complaining about the amount of money we possess, or whinging about small character faults in our neighbours. When we complain about what we don't have we are taking for granted whatever we do have. The richest of us don't own Everything, and therefore we don't have enough. If we did own Everything, we are such un-content beings by nature that we would begin to complain that Existence doesn't contain Enough. Whilst taking for granted the large amount of stuff we already do possess. 


One of the things we generally take immensely for granted is the 'tablecloth'. Something so simple, yet so incredibly important. The more we take it for granted the more we should be praising it. We should be acknowledging it for what it is: a gift from GOD. The more something like this is taken for granted, the more amazingly spectacular it must be. 


"Is there anything that could be taken for granted more than the 'tablecloth'?" asks the strange little woman in a bee costume. 


I would suggest so, good wench. Possibly the only thing in the world that is more taken for granted than the Existence of the 'tablecloth' is closely related. It is, in fact, the quote, "That's one HELL of a 'tablecloth'!" As generally spoken by some sort of Norwegian. It's relation to the 'tablecloth' is undoubtedly a prime factor in it's place as the most taken for granted Thing in the World. 


'Tablecloths' are most commonly used for covering the surface of a table, (as strongly hinted by the Name). This protects the table from receiving horrible marks from things resting on it, and covers the marks that do get on there anyway. Absolute genius. They also offer decoration, which is very important in our homes, (especially seeing as there  is no way selfish people like us would be content with a plain looking house). 


Protection is indeed an incredibly important Thing in our society. Dangers surround us, and we can never be certain that we will be safe at any point in our lives unless we have some sort of protection. It aids us in avoiding the clutches of the intimidating, hateful and somewhat handsome (except for the nose) Death, and thus sustains our more cheerful (and clinically insane) friend Life. We value highly anything that offers us this amazing protection, and these things are generally cared about and not taken for granted. What logic could possibly support the fact that the 'tablecloth' is taken for granted? It offers protection to a 'table', which is also something highly valued by our society, (but in Reality isn't as important as the 'tablecloth'). 


A 'cloth' is something that we generally use to do dirty jobs with, (such as cleaning down the 'table'). It is something that we use often, and something that we don't care about a great deal -- and rightly so! For it is a dirty thing, and we use it for filthy jobs. The 'tablecloth' just continues to amaze with its uses and beauty. It is a 'cloth' that avoids dirtiness, as opposed to cleaning it up after all the dirtiness has already happened. There are few Things in the world that are so absolutely amazing. 


The beauty of the 'tablecloth' is also a factor in its class as some sort of Supreme Being. On top of it being capable of both protection of a 'table' and removing the necessity of it (at the same time) it carries some sort of immense beauty that is unmatched by any other Thing in the world -- be it living or not so much. Even the 'tablecloths' that are not designed decoratively carry themselves with an incredible elegance and grace. They almost glow with the fact that they ascend from a higher realm into what we know now as Existence. 


The 'tablecloth' is without match. It should be worshipped by anyone who possesses enough of a mind to understand its transcendence. It Loves Humanity with all of its Heart. We should answer it with the same. 


My SECRET TIP FOR LIFE is:


Do NOT confuse the 'tablecloth' with the 'horse'. They are completely unrelated and you would look like an idiot. 

Physical Health

What is the thing that hundreds of millions of people around the world spend large quantities of their time dedicated to? What is the thing that these people are willing to pay massive amounts of money for? What is the thing that absorbs these people into a daily routine based around itself, so much that a great many of them become downright obsessed?

Porn. What a sick world we live in.

Why don't we use this time to maintain our health?

"But Man With Beard!" pipes up Mr Helpful, "I use up hours of my day with porn and I'm still perfectly healthy!"

You should seek professional aid. Anyway, if we were to go into any sort of detail about mental health you would be about as healthy as a chocolate bar with a tooth infection.

":("

I thought as such. Back to the topic, health in a physical sense is very important. Those hours you spend looking at porn could easily be spent becoming substantially more physically healthy. This could be exercising, or even something like cleaning your house, which would ultimately upgrade your hygiene. The general result of this is holding off Death (the creepy guy who always stalks you, waiting for the moment you slip up and an ABSENCE OF LIFE befalls upon you). You can't leave Life battling all by himself, because in the end he's going to get bored, sit down and lick the dirt (because he has some problems, including a severe attention disorder).

Hygiene is undoubtedly an incredibly important aspect of health. Unfortunately, there seems to be a great many people who give about as much crap to the topic as the Queen gives to her wall-paper. I often (and by often I mean almost always) refuse to share drinks with people, because I know it is not entirely hygienic. Friends of mine respond to this with claims that I am a germophobe (the dirty scumbags) and promptly attempt to drink anyway. This is only a few levels below calling me a clean freak for refusing them permission to crap in my cereal.

When a man rides an elephant, he never does so naked. Relevant? No. True? Not likely.

Hygiene is something that should be taken with care. When simple things like sharing too many drinks and crapping in cereal is avoided, you'll be as clean as tooth-paste in a bucket of chlorine. If you do share drinks, then you're going to die very shortly.

Also, to keep Death at bay, the food you eat should be healthy, moderated and ultimately digestible. If the food eats you, you've been eating the wrong food and should seek professional help. Food is by far one of the most important aspects of Life and Life is the most important important aspect of Existence, therefore food is one of the most important aspects of Existence. This conclusion leads us nowhere, except confirms that eating lots of food will prevent UNIVERSAL DESTRUCTION.

In The End, it is quite clear that there is one quote that sums up health:

My SECRET TIP FOR LIFE is:

Needs more orange juice. God help us it does.

Logic

Logic is one of the things that ultimately holds life together. This world is generally made up of things that make sense, and the way we understand things is to try and make sense of it; thus, we attempt to find the logical explanation. We try to find this explanation for everything because it is the procedure that is most logical when it comes to uncovering how the world works. For example, we attempt to logically uncover logic, because it is most logical to understand the logic behind discovering the way in which life works logically, so we can have a much deeper understanding as to why it is we do what we do; to not do so would leave us confused and would therefore be entirely illogical.

It is for these reasons that the modern world relies upon logic to explain what is the truth; anything that is not logical is non-existent. This is why logic is essential to life, and it is for that reason that I have chosen the topic of logic to introduce 'The Secret Tips to Life'.

"How is logic determined?" asks an interested albino Witch Doctor (wearing a top hat).

Well, logic is determined by many things. In some circumstances they rely on physical evidence (where they go through a number of tests and find out what it is that does make sense), sometimes they rely on theoretical evidence (where they use their genius minds and uncover what it is that should make sense), and any other time they just guess as to what sounds logical. The people that generally determine what is truth are usually some sort of scientist, mathematician or media mogul. Possibly the best way of describing logic is something that is 'obviously' true (this is decided by the people who spend a large quantity of time, energy and intelligence to uncover what is obvious).

I breathe because oxygen is necessary to maintain life, therefore breathing is logical. I do many other things for this reason, because my life is made up of making decisions - and those decisions are most commonly determined by what is the logical choice. For example: when I decide as to which film I will go to see at the cinema, I will decide based on the critical success of the film. This is logical because I usually agree with film critics, and have never been disappointed by a film that the general population of film critics has said ": )" to.

Generally frowned upon by people who spend their time uncovering the truth is illogic, as it is the opposite of logic. For example, imagine a man said: "My wife's lemon garden has a digestive system which is resemblant to that of a fox because it was pulled out of my hamstring immediately after my four-hundred-and-thirty-seventh shower of the decade and given an enormous hug by Oprah Winfrey in the Eiffel tower during the year the Japanese were mourning over the death of Sir Ian McKellan and refusing to eat goods imported from Afghanistan simply because the residents of that country were running around with a melon upon their head and left foot leaving the rest of the world to observe with jealousy." This comment would be disregarded because it is illogical.

Logic and illogic are complete opposites and it is logical that they are not the same - something that is very obvious (beginning to see the connection?). Any two opposites are logically exactly different. It is logic that when you use your super-mutant wings to fly upwards you will not hit the ground, for that would require the opposite of up which is most commonly down.

I brought this up because it is important to understand the opposite of something to understand the thing itself. So now it is established that there is an opposite of logic that exists, (incidentally, the nature of logic implies that illogic does not exist because it is illogical - unfortunately the logic of opposites is that either there is an anti-logic or neither - including opposites in the first place, thus cancelling everything out. To maintain existence, I recommend you do not ponder this).

It has now been firmly established that logic is the essence of Existence. Existence is life, and therefore the essence of life must be logic. Death will one day find me, and on that day I intend to have an in-depth discussion with Existence. I shall remind him that Death is the opposite of life, and logic, being the essence of life, is therefore not apparent in Death for it must succumb to the law of opposites. Therefore Death is illogical, and it would be logical for me to not die, (logic is the core of Existence and it will henceforth be forced to comply).

My SECRET TIP FOR LIFE is:

When Existence offers you tea, you decline politely. Very politely.